Request in awesome, Esther. This star will never go out. Never, like ever.

I don't know why but I need to talk about her. I need to cry and say life is unfair. I'm here wishing to die while she - so as many kids in this horrible world - are fighting for living. And this makes me so guilty and so angry.

Why could be me in her place? Why couldn't she live and I die? Why?

I'm reading her book and she talks about Lord all the fucking time. How He loves her, how He is important to her, and her family and her life. How she thanks Him everyday for every day. How He is life and love and truue love and how she is thankfull.

And all I feel is angry.

He didn't love her! He didn't!

When you love someone you want her/him to be healthly, happy, fine. And He makes her with cancer. He makes her sick, sad, painfull. Why did He do this if he loves her? And her family and her friends and everybody, He made everybody feel so pain.

I can't believe in this. I can't believe in Him anymore.

Why didn't He helped her family?

And now I can't understand anything.

Because I didn't blame Him for my gradma's death, but Esther's... She talked about him all the time, she believed on him, my grandma didn't talk about him that much. So I didn't thought about him that much when she died.

And oh my God i feel o guilty of thinking this. I feel so guilty of not helping it.

I feel so guilty I didn't meet her before. I wish I could have meet her before she passed away. I don't want to be her friend, just meeted her. Said "hey Esther, don't give up. You can do it. I believe you can. You are awesome. You don't deserve to die." , you know? Just send her a message on twitter or whatever that I could be sure she would see.

I just wanted her to know there was one more person here wanting her alive. I don't kn know if it'd make any difference in her life, but it'd in mine and I really wish I could have made it.

But I couldn't. And now is too late. And I'm reading and watchng her books and I can't deal with it. I really can't. I've been crying all day long and I CAN'T URRGH

She was so perfect and I know there's other kids passing from the same problems, but I don't know them.

I can't be sorry for someone I don't know.

And I can't understand why God makes this world, these people, to see only pain. They make them sick. They make them believe is okay beeing sick. IT'S NOT OKAY! NOTHING IS OKAY IT'S NOT OKAY BEEING SICK AND STILL BELIEVE IT'S OKAY IT'S NOT OKAY URGH I'M CRYING AGAIN URGH


God doens't exist.

He can't.

I can't believe he is over there in the sky looking to all this kids suffuring with cancer, all these people suffuring with whatever, and doing nothing to help but make them believe they are still okay. They are not. I am not.

I can't deal with it.

I'm sorry, I can't.

Esther didn't deserve to die. All this kids didn't deserve to die. Nobody should die if they didn't want to.

There's so many people wanting to live and me here, wanting to die. So why do I live and why they die?