I don't want to talk about it with Emy

I don't miss her anymore while she is at school and I am at home alone. I just invent other things to do. That's horrible. Because I used to miss her a lot. But now I don't.

I don't. And this is scarying me. It's weird. Very weird.

She is there and I am here and it's totally okay. I'm not like "oh I whish she was here" NO I don't wish she was here, I don't even think about her while we are not talking, I started to thing and daydream about a life in London without her. You know how sad it is, dear imaginary friend? It's really really really sad.

I feel like our relantionship (i wrote it wrong iedk) is over and we don't want to accept that, know that, deal with that. I really don't want to. I prefer to pretend everything has still a chance to be alright, to get ready.

But I'm afraid it hasn't. And I'm really scary about it.

I don't want it to over. I love her. And I want to be her friend, I want her to be my best friend. But she doens't seems like my best friend anymore, and I feel like I'm just another friend of hers.  I'm really upset about this feelings.

I won't do nothing, tho. I'll just let it be. I'm hopping get this time apart maybe will get us togheter latter. Maybe a time apart will make me miss her.

I miss missing her.

I miss ours daydreams. I miss when I was the most important thing in her life and she loved me and she showed me she loved me all the time.

I doub about her love for me once, some moths ago. Because she never gave me a gift called a gif. But now I see she showed her love ever single day. I miss that time. I miss it so much.

I have a feeling that there are unfinished subjects between us, but I can't pull this kind of subject anymore because it's awkward and boring.

I guess we wouldn't talk for a couple of days but, at the same time, I feel like she needs me. And I cannot go away when she needs me. I'm her friend and I live for her. So when she needs me I have to be there and help. Even if the problem it's exactly what pushed us that apart.

I do hate her crush for make everything be like it is now.

I hate her for let it went like it is now.

We talked and I suppose we should move on, but I can't stop feeling this way. And I hate myself for this.

We barely talk. I don't know how to live this away. I know how to live when everything it's alright. I know what to do when everything is wrong to make it become alright. But I don't know the midium.

She just sended a message telling me she is happy as fuck. I should be happy about her happines. But this happiness does not includes me. And it makes me sadmore.

This happiness is just about her crush. I don't matter anymore.

~Sigh~

I lost it. I'm crying now.

And the thing witch most irritates me it's that even when she is alright without me, I can't be alright without her. Even when she is fine with someone else to keep her safe, I can't leave her.

I don't miss her when she is offline. But when she is online I can only wish she'd closer.

I'm saddier now.